1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
