I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
