I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
