she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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