I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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