I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
