Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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