my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
