dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
