I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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