oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
