I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize