the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
