So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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