I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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