Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
