i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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