i wish there were pregnant emoticons
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
