My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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