i need an iv and a liver transplant
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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