I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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