The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
