my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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