I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize