Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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