so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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