Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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