I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
