I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
