you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
