Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
