he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
