She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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