Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
