Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
