A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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