4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
