I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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