somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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