obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize