you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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