i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
