low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
