I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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