Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
