i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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