When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
