Screwed.edu
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
