I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
