there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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