im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
