You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
