he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
