So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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