My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
