she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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