I want to make a zoo with you.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize