Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
