My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
