Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize