im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
