Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
