I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize