Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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