why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
