I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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